Osama bin Laden

    Congratulations, Osama bin Laden is dead. Oh, happy day!!!  It took you long enough. Bin Laden was on the run for so long that his compound, on the outskirts of Abbotlabad turned into a suburb. Who says you don`t go to the suburbs to die? That`s how he finally got caught, his neighbors started complaining because they burned their garbage instead of taking it to the curb like everyone else. I suppose the excuse, “Don`t worry, their just bibles.” can only carry you for so long.

    And man, did you see those pictures!? No really, did anyone see any photos? I didn`t see one single photo of the body before it was dumped, conveniently, into the ocean “according to Islamic tradition”. Call me paranoid, but my political BS radar spikes when big news like this breaks at the dawn of election season. Had I been anywhere near the killing of, the removal or the disposal of Osama bin Laden`s body, I`d have taken more photos than a Chinese tourist. Yet the only picture that`s surfaced is a bloody bedroom that could have been taken after any Motley Crue concert during the 80`s.

     Good timing Barry!! God (and Allah) only knows what really happened, but if you got Rush Limbaugh and G.W. congratulating you, they must not be able to deny that he is really dead. He may have died from a heat stroke after living in a semi air-conditioned mansion for the last 5 years or from the stress of “running” from those bad @ss Pakistani officials who`ve been “hunting you down” like a deer hunts out a lion, but it looks like you get to tell the story however you want to. Good on you!  

    The one thing I`d really like to see laid to rest once and for all is the non-stop media coverage that, if I`m not mistaken, started on 9/11 and ended about 3 weeks later. Since 9/11, anytime there is a disaster anywhere in the world, the precedence has been laid down that it`s FULL COVERAGE, 24 hours a day for at least a week. I realize Katrina, Haiti, Japan and other big news stories are important but it`s a big world out there and other stories need to be told. Not to mention whoever may be in the HOT  SEAT at the time who get a total free pass. Was Sarah Palin not just saying something really newsworthy stupid? Was there not a senator accused of murdering an intern or something right before 9/11 that got totally forgotten about? Let`s not let these timing lottery winners off the hook so easily.

    So if Osama bin Laden really was  killed in the way it is being told in the media, than good for you Obama. It shows you have some balls after all, now go paint the White House black and make us all proud.

What can I say?

    What`s the saying for when you`ve done something, negative consequences followed and then you quit doing it. Only it`s too late so quitting is kind of pointless and you may as well just continue on doing it.? Recently, someone close to me got cancer after a lifetime of smoking. When he didn`t quit after the diagnosis, some people were angry and some people thought he may as well keep smoking because quitting would be like…..what? I couldn`t think of a single expression for this situation. Naturally annoyed, I looked it up in a book of expressions and the only thing it said was, “Locking the barn door after the horses were already out.” This did nothing to ebb my annoyance. So, if you want something done right… well, everyone knows that expression. I came up with a few for different scenarios, feel free to use them as you deem appropriate.

Dirty:      To pull out after you`ve knocked her up.

Political:     To make campaign promises after you`ve been elected.

Toilet:   To lift up the seat after you`ve pissed on it.

Religious:   To pray after the tests came back negative.

Beach:    To put on sunblock after you`ve burned.

School:    To study after you cheated and got the A.

Drug:    To cut the coke (with baking soda) after you`ve bought it.

Work:    I can`t think of anything good for work. I was thinking something like `still wearing a suit after you got the job.` but that`s just being professional. These aren`t very funny but let`s remember, they aren`t meant to be funny, they`re meant to be practical.

Gambler:    To count your money, while you`re still sitting at the table but after you`ve just gone all in and lost.

Spy:    OK, I`m bored. Maybe there`s  a reason no one made an expression for this situation. It`s not interesting. If you come up with something better, please, write your own damn blog that no one reads and leave me the hell alone. Wait, last one…

Blog:   To write a stupid blog about something after you`ve already established that no one will read it. Hi mom!

N.W.O

       World domination is a lot like the world of boxing. To reach the No. 1 spot takes a combination of a lot of things; good timing, hard work, determination, strength and a crafty coach with a lot of tricks up his sleeve. For the last century or so, America has held the title of No. 1 but recently it`s been acting like Rocky in Rocky 3 (or whichever one Mr. T was in) and other countries, particularly China has been acting like Mr. T. In the beginning, during training for the big fight, Rocky mostly makes a show out of it for the cameras. He hits the bag around a little bit, he smiled, he flexed a lot of muscle, he had a lot of fancy equipment that looked really flashy. Meanwhile, Mr. T was doing one-handed pull ups from a steel pipe in his basement and murdering a 5 dollar punching bag.

     The foreshadowing was as obvious as the outcome, the Champ went down like a prom dress. It doesn`t take Warren Buffet or Alan Greenspan to see what the not so distant future holds for “The Champ” either. America, the party`s over. This will mean some good and some not so good consequences for America and the rest of the world. So here it is, my first Top 10 list.

Top 10 things the world will have to get used to when China takes over:

10.    The circle jerk between America and Saudi Arabia will grow by about 2 billion hands.

9.      Made in the U.S.A. will become the standard for cheap imported goods.

8.      Hey, America will finally get some of those jobs back!

7.      The U. S. will finally be able to, once again utilize it`s emance resources to feeding and employing it`s own citizens without the burden of being the world`s mother.

6.      Anderson Cooper and Bill O`Riely will finally get that bare knuckles, to the death cage match fight I`ve been praying for…in prison.

5.      People won`t fear the old CIA anymore, they`ll fear the new Chinese International Ass probe tracking association.

4.      The confusion most westerners have between Japan and China will become obsolete when Japan is quickly and undefendedly annexed by China.

3.     The new standard for naming our children will be by dropping cutlery down the stairs.

2.     Hip Hop rappers will have to find cool, new words to rhyme with WAN instead of Dollar.

And the No. 1 thing the world will have to get used to when China takes over…

1.     Tuna will no longer be known as `Chicken of the Sea` but be changed to `Dog of the Sea.`

Weatherman

    My school went on a picnic today. Really it was more like an excursion, sending us all over the city looking for little temples and shrines and hunting for clues to some puzzle I didn`t fully understand. It was all very well-organized and planned out down to the smallest detail, even down to the day we were going to carry out this excursion, today. Today, because yesterday the “meteorologist” from the news told us the weather would be lovely with sunny, clear skies, a warm breeze and almost no chance of rain. So what do you think happened as soon as we got to the park we were all meeting at? That`s right, the storm clouds rolled right on in like a dark grey tsunami in the sky, sucking up the all the blue and sunshine. Thanks weatherman, ya prick. 

     Dylan said, “I don`t need a weatherman to know what way the wind blows.” Amen to that brother! Weathermen should start apologizing when they are wrong. It`s really the least they can do after sententiously predicting the next days weather and then being completely wrong. I realize you`re not psychic but plans get made and screwed up based on your forecasts. What would be the right thing to do is to tell the viewers what went wrong with the prediction the next day, at least that way they would sort of be providing a service and the whole thing wouldn`t be a total waste of time. And you have the time.

     Recently I`ve heard a lot about entitlements, Do weathermen not have the biggest entitlement deal ever? Or am I misunderstanding what an entitlement is? Weathermen are no better at predicting the weather now in the 2000`s, than they were 20 years ago, yet they`re technology is improving, their cocky, condescending attitudes are increasing as fast as their paychecks and it seems like everyday they get more and more air time. Who do they bang to keep this charade up? Surely the public is no more interested in the weather than before. The last time there was a horrible storm, did they threaten to hold out on valuable intel if they weren`t garenteed these perks. They must have great union reps.

     Weatherpeople of the world, I don`t know by what sorcery you`ve managed to cast upon the public for so long but I`m not buying it. In the words of G.W., “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…we can do gooder!” When you want something done right, do it yourself, yeah? From now on, when I want a good weather reading I`m gonna do what I do when I want a good  rub `n  tug, and extend my right hand.

Easter

   You know my favorite part about the Easter story. It`s that, even though Jesus told his friends a bunch of times that he would come back from the dead after 3 days, not one of the disciples believed him. Only the women believed that he might do what he said he would do. On Sunday, all 12 of the disciples were hiding in their homes cowering behind locked doors. The women were the ones waiting at the grave. After Jesus appeared to everyone, only then did the disciples realize what they were involved with and became the religious legends they became. It wasn`t until Easter Sunday that all 12 disciples went from cowardly, lying, petty fisherman to the founders of Christianity with every one of them except John dying horribly painful deaths professing Jesus` message of peace, love and tolerance not omitting from the story their own lack of faith. Simon is the exception, I never liked or trusted him. Happy Easter everyone. Now off you go to dye eggs, eat chocolate and lie to your children about giant rabbits.

It`s Not You, It`s Me

     If Dolly Parton really wrote the song I Will Always Love You,  then she is either the coolest chick in the history of chicks or she`s a transvestite. There is no way a regular girl, that wasn`t the coolest wrote that song. I can`t believe I never realized it before myself, but that is  the BEST break up song EVER! I never realized it before, I always just thought, like everyone else, it was a sad, kind of sweet love song about someone who “had to” leave the other person. They didn`t want to. No, it was the last thing they wanted to do, but with the other persons best interests in mind they`ll go ahead and bow out and save the other person the pain of having to do it themselves. BRILLIANT!!!

     You know how much time I`ve spent trying to convince girls that they are `too good` for me or that they `could do so much better` than me or they should `find someone who will treat you the way you deserves to be treated` or some crap like that. Almost as much time as I`ve spent trying to get in the mess in the first place. I just wasn`t laying it on thick enough. I was being too lazy about it, that`s where the song`s brilliance lies. By the end, you really are convinced that she is doing him a favor. 

    It`s like putting a baby to sleep. If you try to do it too fast or lazy, it`s not going to work. You`re just going to get a lot of crying and screaming and never get to sleep, but if you take your time and do it right the first time, with a little luck, you can slip away in peace. Great, now all need is a time machine to get back all those “trying to get talked out of dumped” hours I wasted.

Clone Wars

     I need to invent a special kind of contact lenses where the colored part is the same color as my own eyes but the white part is colored white so no matter how rough or out of it I may be, to the rest of the unsuspecting world, I would appear to be as fresh as a morning rose, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Stickers would also come in handy for the outside eye lids, kind of like the Aerosmith video where Steven Tyler painted his eye lids so when his eyes were closed, they still look open. Obviously, if I needed them, I would be in no condition to paint anything, let alone a one-eyed, eye job, although that would be fun to try some Sunday at my leisure.

      Let`s face it, I really need a clone. Why not have a clone? Only one. I wouldn`t get greedy like in that Michael Keaton movie, there would be no slippery slope. The biggest problem I can foresee would be that you would have to invent a new kind of Rock, Scissors, Paper system to decide who would go do crappy things like go to funerals. Being a clone, he would be of equal intelligence and calculation as me, leading to never-ending Rock, Scissor, Paper battles. Everything else, though, you`d split evenly.  I guess the best way would be to alternate days. If something crappy came up on your day, tough cookies. Wow, wouldn`t that be great! Everyday would be like Friday!

      Actually it would make Friday, and the whole weekend a bit complicated as you`d have to coordinate everything very carefully, taking some of the fun out of it. You would really have to remember everything you did, every joke you told, every conversation you had, every promise you make, every invitation you accepted along with every excuse you gave for invitations not accepted, every bartender you hit on, and every waitress you called a bitch. OK, so you`d probably have to rotate weekends, small price to pay.  

       You`d probably want to put one of you up in a secret, hideaway apartment somewhere outside of the city for the `OFF` one to hang out. So I suppose you`d have OFF places to go. The OFF one would probably need an alter ego also, well, I suppose the ON one could be more of the alter ego, being the working stiff, staying home with the family all the time and the OFF would be the real you, living it up every night, sleeping in all day then sitting around all day watching television and writing crappy blogs in your undies. You`d probably want to go ahead and agree to exercise on your OFF days so as to avoid any weight discrepancy.

    Being a clone of myself, I suppose there would be no reason for any moral or jealousy conflicts when it comes to the Missis. This whole plan could actually be pulled off by identical twins if it weren`t for this little hiccup. One would get to be married and have a family and the other would have to settle for meaningless one night stands all the time under an assumed name. While that`s all fun and good for a while, everyone knows it`s no way to go through life and the solo twin would always grow jealous of the other twin and either cross that line that no brother, twin or no twin should ever cross, and bang the wife or simply grow so miserable that attempting to continue with the whole charade would become unrealistic. Either way, the jig would be up. Deciding who would get to have the family would, incidentally be the Rock, Scissors, Paper battle of all time!

The Kids are Alright

    I just read the gayest article about teenage suicide. No really, it was an article about gay teens and why they commit suicide. I`ll spare you the boring statistics and sum it up. This incredibly partisan, liberal study showed that, in Oregon, both gay kids and straight kids (I guess that would be all kids) have a higher suicide rate in Republican counties. Shocking.  Gay kids made up about 20% and straight kids about 4% but these “statistics” were lower for both groups in predominantly Democratic counties with more “Don`t beat on the gay kids” programs.

    I`m not going to go off on a big thing here, there really is no need to. It`s pretty basic common sense. If you hate or have a problem with gays, you`re gay. Either that or you`re acting on behave of religious fanatics that think God hates gays, whom, not coincidently, are also gay.  Have you ever met a gay person? Every gay guy I`ve ever met was so obviously born that way, to think that they chose to be gay would be like me choosing to be born with great hair. It`s just the hand we were dealt.

   Liberals, you`re not off the hook here either, you`re just as much to blame. You have preached such unrealistic tolerance that these kids are softer than a baby`s cranium. You tell them that there`s nothing to be ashamed of and to be proud of who they are and then send them off to PUBLIC SCHOOLS! There`s nothing wrong with being a Met`s fan either but try walking into a Cardinals game decked out in a Met`s blue cap and jersey in a sea of Red Birds fans and see what happens. Of course gay kids are going to start jumping off bridges!

   Gays, you`re actually not helping you`re own cause any either. I`m talking to the adults now. You wanna be in the Military, adopt kids, get married and stuff, try toning it down a bit at your parades. The leather and mustaches we can deal with but how about taking the apple out of the gimp`s mouth and letting him off the leash, at least in front of the cameras. I hate to sound like a prude here but, come on girls, really.

      Bullying hasn`t gotten worse because of the internet, only child prostitution and porn have gotten worse because of the internet. Bullying is the same as it ever was. We need to teach kids how to protect themselves better again, and if that means being aware of your surroundings and making appropriate adjustments, that dosen`t make you a coward, it makes you survivable. You wear camouflage when you go in the jungle don`t you?

    Yes, in a perfect world we could all stand, hand in hand, together as one and fight injustice where ever it`s ugly head should lurk. But, unfortunately, we are talking about American public schools. We`re lucky if the drug dealers can figure out the metric system well enough to weigh out the proper amount of grams that equal an ounce of cocaine. So untill that day of reckoning comes, when the first are last and the last are first, let`s try and preach self-preservation so we can live to fight another day.

   So kids of the free world, I have but one message for you. Hang in there! High School doesn`t last forever. I know it seems like your whole world now but as soon as it`s finished, you can go away. You can go far, far away and make any kind of life for yourself you want. Go far away to college and make your parents pay for it, even if you have to take out loans that you will never be able to pay off, take them!! If you want to avoid turning into you`re lame parents, or you never felt like you fit it in or whatever, there`s a big world out there. You`ll fit in somewhere. If not, go to Thailand, the asshole of the world, anyone can fit in there, but get some help.

Karma

      Karma.  The mysterious universal truth that strikes fear in the hearts of evil doers and gives hope to the do gooders of the world. Yes, the television show My Name is Earl has taught me all about Karma. What goes around, comes around. And man, has it come around for one British pop legend. Karma has been jabbing at rocker and infamous playboy, Rod Stewart for some time now and has finally landed a crushing Knock Out blow.

     It seems Rod`s daugter, Kimberly Stewart has gone and gotten herself knocked up by Hollywood actor Benicio Del Toro, 44 (one of my favorite actors and new hero) of Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas fame. A spokesperson for Kimberly, Robin Baum issued this legendary statement, ” Kimberly is pregnant. Benicio is the father and is being very supportive. Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby.” 

     Some of Kim`s less fruitful relationships include not one but two engagements to both musician Cisco Adler and Talan Torriero (?), she dated infamous man-whore and founder of (underage) Girls Gone Wild, Joe Francis and was once photographed kissing Hollywood gigolo Jude Law, well, who hasn`t been there.

    No, the apple hasn`t fallen far from the tree in the Stewart family. Only Kim is following the laws of Karma, instead of dating hot girls half your age, she dates ugly men twice her age. Instead of dating snobby, wasp model types, she dates Mexicans. One too many racial slurs from the old man`s mouth while England played Mexico in the World Cup, Eh Rod? That`s Karma for you.

    Hey Mr. Smart guy, you may be thinking, “You don`t know what`s going to happen. Maybe the baby will bring them together and they`ll fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. “…

    When asked if he had any plans to settle down in the near future, Benitio Del Toro gave another legendary statement, “Why? Everyone says, Why isn`t he married? But it`s like, F***! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?”

   What a legend. Now you might be asking, what`s the moral of the story? Don`t be a man whore? Surely not!!  No, I think it`s more like a quote I read somewhere, “In nature, there are no rewards or punishments, only consequences.”

Hanami: Rules

    Yes, the Hanami season is in full bloom. As a follow-up to my post last week titled simply Hanami, I thought I`d take a quick minute and offer some basic rules for Hanami parties. As they are the best parties of the year, you don`t want to ruin them by committing any of the following faux pas.

Rule 1: Bring Your Own Beer.     

      While many Hanami parties are All You Can Drink events with beer and other spirits provided, this should not be assumed and it`s best to err on the side of caution. Being that many of the parties are held in large parks with no convenient store near by, you definitely want to be prepared with enough beer for yourself. There is no need to bring any kind of `gift` for whom ever arranged the party unless it`s being held at a private residence.

Rule 2: Don`t bring anything you`re not prepared to never see again.     

      While it`s not really camping, it is usually somewhere with lots of trees and BBQ, so the same rule applies to Hanami parties as to camping trips, float trips, and Fuji Rock Festival of don`t take anything you`re not prepared to lose. Anything can happen and things get lost, there a lot going on after all and you don`t want to spend the whole time minding your belongings.

Rule 3: Eat

     This one is kind of like when the exercise instructor keeps telling you to breath, it should be obvious but actually isn`t when you`re in the heat of battle. I know there`s lots of food being cooked all around and it seems like a cornucopia but it will run out, either that or the guys doing the cooking will get too drunk to continue. So get while the gettin`s good, chances are you`ve paid for it.

* Rules 4 and 5 are for the ladies only. The greatest party of the year can`t, after all, be bogged down with a bunch of rules now can it?

Rule 4: Disregard rule #2

     Ladies, while the Hanami party does have a camping type feel to it, it isn`t over night. You`re going to want to bring all the enmities of home including a jacket, a mask (hay fever), tissue (toilet), sunglasses, your nicest purse, a change of knickers, a blanket (it`s can be cold) and whatever food you have prepared. You`re just going to have to keep yourself together enough to keep track of everything. Dosen`t sound fair, go to your travel dictionary and look up; double standard.

Rule 5: Watch the kids.

    While the Hanami party is the greatest party of the year, it is at a park so kids are more than welcome. It is, however, your responsibility to mind them at all times and not let them run around and let all the drunk guys see how high they can throw them in the air. Hanami parties are nothing if not a time to let out all that aggression built up over the last few cold, winter months, be careful. And by kids, I mean children, boyfriends and husbands.

    Follow these few, simple rules and you are sure to have a pleasant Hanami season party or parties. Enjoy; eat, drink and be merry.